I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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