I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
