she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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