all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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