i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
