i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
