i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I FOUND THE LEGS
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
