I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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