My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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