"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
