Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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