No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
