The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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