last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
