so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
