i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
