i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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