I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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