you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
