Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
