Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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