This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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