You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
