My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
