last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize