grandma shit on top of the toilet
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
