Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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