sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize