Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize