In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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