Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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