TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
wow bdsm is so cute
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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