Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
