am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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