She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
well you can't waste a boner
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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