now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
