its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
