You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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