He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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