some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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