Life is so much better after having sex.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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