I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
