The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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