True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
should my penis look like a turkey
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
