Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
