last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
