i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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