I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
