so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
