These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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