can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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