the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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