When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
