If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize