Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You're a waste of cheezeits
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
