So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
