Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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