no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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