My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
