I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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