This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he laminated a picture of his dick.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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