She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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