Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
