well you can't waste a boner
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His hands were made for my vagina.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
