And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
