I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
